Hear My Voice

My sheep hear my voice;

 I know them, and they follow me.  John 10:27

I have spent a lot of time grieving the fact that Malachi is unable to speak a single word; a lot of hours in therapy processing and contemplating what he thinks and feels but is unable to say.  As a mother, it’s been agonizingly painful wondering if Malachi is angry, frustrated or confused by thoughts and feelings he cannot express.  I yearn to know if that is his reality because the mother in me wants to soothe what ails my child; I want to offer him comfort so that he can make sense of his circumstances.   The mother in me has not only been pained about his inability to verbalize his thoughts and feelings, but also curious about what his voice would sound like if he could speak.   And I cried out to God and told Him of my concerns and gave Him the burden of my pain....

The pain of the past cannot compare to the joy of the present!  Over the last two months, Malachi’s communication has taken off in a very profound way.  While he has always had access to the pre-programmed words and phrases in his Dynavox (computerized laptop communication device), Malachi is growing leaps and bounds in his communication skills.  He demonstrates intentionality about what he wants to communicate and he doesn't allow the Dynavox or anything or anyone for that matter, to limit or restrict his communication; Malachi will piece together words and phrases to convey what he wants and needs.  Before our very eyes, we are watching him unlock the world and it is a beautiful thing to witness.  Malachi has found his voice; he is master of his universe!  He continues to be an example of how to live in spite of his limitations.

I still wonder what Malachi feels about his limitations, but I know in time that Malachi will express whatever feelings he wants to share.  And the ache that I once harbored is no longer an extension of me, it’s been replaced with the joy of watching Malachi discover a whole new world.   Although the Dynavox projects a computerized, mechanical voice, it is Malachi’s voice that I hear speaking with clarity, authority and intention.  I know Malachi’s voice without having ever heard him utter an audible syllable; we are connected spirit-to-spirit; he speaks from his heart to mine and I feel him.  I liken our connection to my relationship with God; I have never seen His face nor heard His actual voice, but my heart knows the distinct sound of His voice because spirit-to-spirit, we are connected.  His Holy Spirit dwells in me and I feel the unconditional love of His son, Jesus, upon me.  I know Malachi’s voice in the same way that I know God’s voice and the love of God.

Yesterday, Malachi called me to his room on his Dynavox, “Mom! Mom!  Mommy!” I entered his room and approached his bedside. 

“Yes, Malachi. I’m here.  What is it, baby?” I asked

“Mom, give me kisses, please.” He said

I smiled a broad grin and reached down to plant a ton of juicy kisses on Malachi’s cheeks, forehead and chin.

“Okay!” he said

And I looked at him and smirked.  Typical teenager.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rIozJL2APX4

Question of the Day:  What cues or triggers are you aware of that signal to you with certainty that it’s God’s voice that you are hearing?

Holy Spirit Power!

But when he, the Spirit of Truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth.  John 16:13

 There comes a time in the life of every mother of a child with special needs when we succumb to the words, “I can’t.”  Like the eclipse of the moon, that moment is a rare occurrence in history that will likely garner a lot of water cooler conversation when it happens.  You see, “I can’t” is inconceivable in the mind of a mother of a child with special needs; it simply does not exist in our vocabulary.   Like the legions of mothers of children with special needs that came before me, I acquired super powers when I joined this exclusive club.  Suddenly, I developed a keen set of senses that afforded me the ability to detect when the rhythm of Malachi’s ventilator was out of sync.  I acquired super human strength that allowed me to lift and carry Malachi (unassisted) great distances.  And I used my new found adrenalin produced as a result of my recycled extreme fatigue, to give me a super boost of energy to accomplish more in a 24 hour period than humanely possible!  But alas, this week it happened to me; that defining moment arrived.  After a moment of heart-pounding panic; after begging and pleading with God; after a couple of phone calls to other mothers of special needs children to brainstorm strategies; after heavy sighs and a moment of reasoning with my spirit; and after admitting defeat to my husband who nodded empathetically, “it” finally happened.   I finally surrendered to my nemesis, “I CAN’T.”  

 Since, well forever, I have been lifting and carrying Malachi from his bed to his car seat, and all the while, he has been growing, growing, growing!  Growing longer and growing heavier.  To date, Malachi is 5 feet 2 inches tall and 72 lbs. He is also dead weight, which means that he cannot support any of his own weight.  What further complicates this issue is that when I transfer him, he is off of his ventilator – he’s not breathing.  So the transition, by all accounts, needs to happen very swiftly.   Twice in the last two weeks, I felt Malachi slipping from my grasp as I transferred him – and it scared me.  I have previously felt the burden of his weight against my 125lb. frame, but I’ve never before felt him slipping from my grasp, until now.  What rings true for me (and many mothers of children with special needs that I know), is that we are used to pushing ourselves beyond our limits to meet the needs of our child. It’s simply what we’ve had to do to get the job done and ensure some semblance of a good quality of life and a happy existence for our child.  Yet, there comes a time when we realize that there are some things that we cannot continue to do; our way isn’t working and we need help to figure out a different way.  When we find ourselves up against, I can’t, God sends His helper, the Holy Spirit, to save the day.  I thank God for the wise counsel of the Holy Spirit.  I claim the panicky voice within as my own, and I recognize the calm, clear, confident voice within as the Holy Spirit.  It was that inner voice that said to me,” It’s time to make a change”.  “You can no longer carry Malachi great distances by yourself.  We need to find another way.”   I am happy to report that I listened to that voice.  It led me to a viable, safe solution for both Malachi and I.  As long as I follow the voice of the Holy Spirit, I can’t go wrong because the Spirit of Truth CAN and WILL guide me to a solution.

 

Prayer:  Father-God, as a parent, there are moments when I feel completely overwhelmed and defeated; moments when I have given my all and I don’t know what else to do; moments when I simply, can’t.....  In those moments, Lord, send your Helper, the Holy Spirit, to counsel and guide me.  Amen

 

QUESTION OF THE DAY:  What wise counsel has the Holy Spirit recently given you?